My Twilight Tirade

So Fayola and I had a girls' night the other night. And by girls' night I mean that we got Chipotle, talked shit, and made plans to watch hot boys run around shirtless. Enter Twilight's New Moon.

While watching the movie, we realized some things were fundamentally wrong with the Twilight universe.

[enter resounding "DUH"s here]

I know, I may be the slowest person ever. But this is sort of an epiphany because I admit it . . . I'm a die hard Twilight fan.

How die hard?

I was planning on going to ComicCon to see the New Moon panel. I have been to the midnight showing of every movie. I have read the books multiple times. I have owned several Twilight posters. I do Twilight puzzles. I buy the special edition People magazines. I've had dreams about several of the Twilight characters. I have Twilight shirts, jewelry. A friend bought me Twilight candy for Valentine's Day. I have an Edward blanket.

I understand how resoundingly uncool all this makes me. I'm fine with it. Moving on . . .

So, here are a few things that Fayola and I noticed . . . .

1. How freaking stupid is Bella? I mean, the girl has no common sense and is in, Fayola's words, "Always causing problems." Does something look dangerous? Deadly? Hell, Bella is drawn to it then. In real life, these people end up being talked about as massive fails on the internet instead of being loved by two guys who are irrationally more attractive than her. Which brings me to my next point . . .

2. Why is this awkward not attractive girl with these guys? I'm going to exclude book Bella out of this, because she is not nearly as annoying as the Kristen Stewart version. Did a retard decide to cast her? She sucks! She's not pretty! She always looks like she smelled something bad! She can't act! Her huge ass ears are distracting me.

3. Bella needs to be institutionalized. Especially after her behavior in New Moon. I mean, screaming in the night for months on end? Acting like a zombie? Someone stick that girl in a nut house. I mean, yes, she's "so in love" or whatever, but seriously, get over it. Move on. Or don't, but at least do something more than sit in a chair infront of a window. And where the hell was her father in all this? He should have called the crazy house to come get her months ago.

4. Why do the vampires sparkle? I didn't really understand this even in the books. I mean, I like that they can be seen in mirrors and all, I'm just really wondering what kind of peyote Stephanie Meyers was smoking that she thought this was a dandy idea. The only thing that should sparkle and be cold and hard are diamonds.

5. The sexual tension in these movies is ridiculous. I sat through three hours of movie and Jacob and Bella don't even kiss? Not even when he's in her bedroom, half dressed, ridiculously good looking and super close to her. Please. These kids live in backwater Washington. There's nothing better to do than have teenage shenanigans there. In real life, Bella would be on her way to being a regular Bristol Palin.

I'm sure there's way more, but that's all I got for now.

I'm really kind of upset that the movies have left me hoping the whole movie that some monster will turn on Bella and eat her just so I don't have to see any more paparazzi pictures of an unshowered Kristen Stewart or her stupid faces that make no sense in the context of a scene.

My rant is done. I am now a tad disillusioned.