Tell Me What You Want, What You Really Really Want

Is it me or does everyone seem torn lately? Torn between two lovers, torn between childhood and adulthood, torn between who they really are and who they long to be. Everyone seems to be at war with themselves. There is a sense of restlessness in the air.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. This is probably because this exact type of indecisiveness has ruled my life since last December. I remember Mallory sitting me down almost every two or three days when I was spilling my woes to her and her saying:

"Lo, it's not a big deal. Just choose one. I don't care who. Just tell me who you want."

The funny thing is most of the time I just didn't answer her. The other times I did (and my choice varied several times) I remember feeling so sure in my decision. And then a week would pass and my mind would change. And I remember feeling like such a douche--who lives like this?

Apparently, most people do.

The nonsense above is tied to my life philosophy: Life is short. Do what you want and what makes you happy.

Of course, the limitation on this is do what you want as long as it doesn't screw with others' lives. It's not like I'm advocating eating babies or playing with explosives. Actually, play with explosives if you want, as long as others aren't around.

But what do you want?

Just tell me what you really want. Got it? I might be about to change your mind.

We all say we want things. "I want an A in Appellate Advocacy Procedure." "I want a BMW 750i when I grow up.""I want a beer.""I want some privacy."

Really, how correct are we when we say we want things, though? Do we really want them? Or is us claiming we want them just ingrained in us . . . an attempt to fit into social mores?

I will use the tug of war I laughingly called my life the last six months to illustrate. For a good five months, I was stuck in between p.1 and p.2, unable to decide which way to go. It is this situation that spurred Mallory's repeated requests into what I really wanted from the whole thing. And as I said, sometimes I wasn't sure, sometimes I was. Of course, with the amount of seesawing I did during the first two or so months, I am now sure I didn't know who the hell I wanted. And that's because I wanted it all. I realize this is inherently selfish, but there was nothing I could do about it--I wanted what I wanted. And do you know how I was sure I wanted it? I went after it. I made no attempts to stop the tug from either side. Sure, I felt bad about it later--contrary to popular belief I do have a conscience. But that didn't stop me from making the same "mistakes" over and over again. That's because they weren't mistakes. I was doing what I was doing deliberately so I could have my cake and eat it too.

Around month three I realized that I was growing closer to p.2. I enjoyed p.2's presence more. p.2 gave me a sense of comfort and quiet in the chaos that is my life. I proudly went up to Mallory and said, "Yes, I'm sure now, I want p.2." And I really believed it. I believed I wanted to be with p.2 and only p.2. Sure enough, p.1 slowly faded into the background. I started telling myself I'd give it all up--the games, the intrigue, the front--for p.2. I wanted love or something like it.

And then I screwed up again and it showed me that at that time I really didn't want p.2. I still wanted it all. At first I tried to blame it on stupid Scruff's karaoke and $2 beers and on p.1 having this inherent need for my attention once it was directed at someone else. But no. What I didn't realize at the time was that I didn't need to blame it on everything--it was simply a manifestation of my want come to fruition. Yes, I liked p.2. But I didn't want just p.2. I still wanted it all.

This is where I should interject--how was I so ignorant of what I truly wanted? I thought about this and this is my answer. I let social pressures and a sense of duty nudge me into thinking I really wanted just p.2. Everyone was asking me what my decision was daily. Even my ex was telling me to make a decision. Besides that, things were approaching an unspoken exclusivity between me and p.2--at least on my side. And if things were that way, shouldn't I have wanted p.2 and p.2 only? Isn't it a good thing to be unselfish and want just one thing, one person? All this pressure, all the expectations worked so subtle a trick on me I was SURE that p.2 was the end all be all and was what I really wanted. Of course, that p.1 bomb made me take another look.

How much throughout our lives do we go around thinking we want one thing when we really want another? How often have we let our consciences beat us up just because we thought we went against our actual desires? These are much scarier and larger questions than you would initially think they were.

Did realizing that p.2 might not be what I really wanted stop me from following the path that I had been led to? No! Instead, I selfishly told p.2 that I only wanted to be with him (even though I am sure now I didn't at the time) and held it against him when he doubted my sincerity. And when my inability to figure out just exactly what I wanted caused strain between p.2 and myself, I went and screwed things up some more. I remember sitting in my loft one day lazily in my bean bag chair and cursing myself for my decisions.

"Why did you screw a good thing up, Lo?"

Well besides the obvious (It WASN'T a good thing; looking back it was extremely screwed up), there's the simple truth:  I didn't want the thing with p.2, which is why I continued to sabotage it. And you know, the funny thing is, I didn't get all this until recently. As early as late May, I was having a conversation with p.1 in which I told him how into p.2 I was and how things had gotten so messed up, all the while doing things that indicated that deep down, p.2 was not what I really wanted.

What finally made me realize all this, what you want versus what you think you want, was an incident a couple of weeks ago. I had an opportunity to continue my "I want it all" behavior. And I shut it down. Instead I went home and for some reason had a strange longing for p.2. And this pattern has repeated itself since then. Ask any of my better friends. They can attest to my unusual lameness. That's when it hit me. Now I truly did want p.2. My behavior finally was that of one who truly wants something. Of course, the tragedy is that it is far too late to undo the damage my indecisiveness has already created between us. But at least I now know that before I claim I want something I should really take a look at my behavior to see if deep down, I really really want it.

This could also lead me into an obvious tirade about how what I want is not necessarily what I need, but that can be saved for another day. The heart, the mind, the body--they want what they want.

Of course, I've started to realize this stark difference--what people think they want versus what their behavior actually shows they want--a lot lately.

"I want to be anywhere other than Waco." Really? Then stay the hell out. You are here an awful lot.
"I want to be treated like an adult." Really? Then act like one.
"I don't want to work for the man." Really? Then don't take a big firm job that is the equivalent of a legal vampire.
"I don't want to be single." Really? Then stop hitting on douche-bag male whores and give the nice guys that actually do like you a chance.
"I really want to make this relationship work." Really? Then stop getting drunk and going home with other people.
"I want to be taken seriously." Really? Then stop dressing like a floozy and going for the cheap laughs.

It's disturbing how ingrained it is in us to expound at length about how we want things and then in the end, we probably don't really want them. And we make ourselves feel bad about it! How messed up is that?

So how do you know what you really want? Want someone else really wants? Look to their or your behavior. I can't tell you how annoyed I was in undergrad when I'd have to hear girls whine at length about how they did or said something when they were drunk that they regret or that they'd never want to actually do. No. You did it when you were drunk because your social inhibitions were lowered. You wanted to do it or say it deep down all along. It's kind of the same thing in this case. When you're saying one thing and doing another, there's a reason for the obvious disconnect. If you really want something, you're going to act like it. No lectures on how hard it is to change as a person or how hard it is to conquer your base nature and instincts. No. I had to quit making excuses for myself and you should too. If you want something, your behavior will indicate it. If you're not sure what you want--be it a person, a thing, recognition, etc.--your behavior will show you the way.

I'm not saying to go out there and just let it be a free for all; let hedonism take over the day. I'm just saying that sometimes our behavior indicates we actually have no clue about what we really want, even if we keep screaming the contrary. Just ask p.2. I'm not actually sure if he knew that he got this instinctively before I did, but even if he didn't, he's a lot more intuitive and smarter than I tend to give him credit for.

Well, where does that leave me? Longing for p.2 (which I know is fruitless) and working towards something real and concrete .  . . with someone else. How can I be sure? Because my behavior tells me so.