All Is Full of Love

“What God has united, let no man divide.”

            It is the wedding seasons of all wedding seasons for me this year. It’s not because I’m getting married (or even anywhere remotely close to that), it’s that three of my favorite couples have/are tying the knot this summer. These aren’t just acquaintance weddings where I’d possibly show up and share a joke with one of the groomsmen about how long the marriage would last. These are marriages that reaffirm my belief in love; these are marriages that are built to last.

            This is highly ironic because I have spent my summer (along with one of the new brides) neck deep in family law. About 80% of my time is spent dealing with divorces.

            So how do I deal with this dichotomy? How do I anticipate the union of two people in the bond of holy matrimony against the reality that I have spent most of my summer dissolving similar unions without feeling like a total fraud?

            I ran into an old friend, Tayyib, at my friend Elizabeth’s wedding this last weekend. He asked me what I had been up to and I told him how I was working divorce law. He automatically backed off the subject like most people do—because no one wants to talk about divorce at a wedding. I quickly tried to calm his fears that I was this awful person who enjoys going around and legally tearing apart marriages. So I word vomited the truth of the whole situation that I have been presented with this summer.

“I actually believe more in love now than before I started working in family law.”

            Of course, this statement got me some incredulous looks and raised eyebrows. But it’s the truth.

            Wedding season has an unsubtle way of bombarding you with love and it’s grand spectacle. Of course, I know this season has a way of further embittering the bitter, but I rather enjoy it. This is because despite what other may perceive of me, I really am kind of a closet romantic.

            I can almost hear the derisive laughter. But it’s true—just because I have spent most of my adult life making choices that have kept me clear away from love, doesn't mean I am incapable of appreciating it and its power. Just because I don’t actively participate and consciously shy away from love, it doesn’t mean I don’t believe in it. Because I do. Most ardently.

            Of course, the enormity of love kind of scares me. It’s this huge, crazy feeling. I actually have been in love before—and I felt completely out of control. And I am a person who does not like losing control.

            Yet some how, the displays of enormity, the joining of two people in a holy, binding union, leave me unfazed. In fact, they inspire me and remind me that love is out there and well in a society that seems intent on focusing on individuals and selfishness and temptation. The beauty of this union and of the love of the spouses is indescribable.  I wish I could explain to you how JT smiled at Liz when she came down the aisle or how radiant Elizabeth was when they announced her and Gili as Mr. and Mrs. Castaneda. But I can’t. That kind of love is beyond words.

            Actually sitting in Liz and Gili’s wedding, this revelation hit me. The deacon was giving the marriage rights and said the first quote, “What God now unites, let no man divide.” And as a (wo)man that does the dividing, it struck a chord in me.

            Yes, I believe in love. So how could I sit there all day and divorce people? So many people these days confuse what they feel for one another as love. But love, especially marriage, requires work and compromise. And the best example of this isn’t the clients that cycle through our office, but the people I actually work with. The way the guys I work with love their wives (I would like to point out their first wives) shows me how strong love can be.

            I’m not saying that divorce is always wrong. It isn’t. And I’m not saying that I judge those who get divorces—those are my future clients, you know? I just think the only thing that gets me down working with dissolving marriages is how trivially some people treat their marriage vows. Marriage is a big deal and it should be treated as such.

            And sitting in that ridiculously gorgeous chapel, I realized that just because I spent all day dissolving marriages didn’t mean I couldn’t believe in and enjoy love. Because contrary to popular belief, not every marriage is doomed to fail. You won’t be hurt every time you fall in love.

            So maybe I’m not as cynical as everyone thinks. And maybe one day I will hear that phrase. Stranger things have happened. If I do though, I will mean the words I utter—I will respect marriage vows the way they are supposed to be. But even if I don’t get married, I will always believe in love and its power to unite two people as one.

            That is something that not even divorce law can take away.

Tell Me What You Want, What You Really Really Want

Is it me or does everyone seem torn lately? Torn between two lovers, torn between childhood and adulthood, torn between who they really are and who they long to be. Everyone seems to be at war with themselves. There is a sense of restlessness in the air.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. This is probably because this exact type of indecisiveness has ruled my life since last December. I remember Mallory sitting me down almost every two or three days when I was spilling my woes to her and her saying:

"Lo, it's not a big deal. Just choose one. I don't care who. Just tell me who you want."

The funny thing is most of the time I just didn't answer her. The other times I did (and my choice varied several times) I remember feeling so sure in my decision. And then a week would pass and my mind would change. And I remember feeling like such a douche--who lives like this?

Apparently, most people do.

The nonsense above is tied to my life philosophy: Life is short. Do what you want and what makes you happy.

Of course, the limitation on this is do what you want as long as it doesn't screw with others' lives. It's not like I'm advocating eating babies or playing with explosives. Actually, play with explosives if you want, as long as others aren't around.

But what do you want?

Just tell me what you really want. Got it? I might be about to change your mind.

We all say we want things. "I want an A in Appellate Advocacy Procedure." "I want a BMW 750i when I grow up.""I want a beer.""I want some privacy."

Really, how correct are we when we say we want things, though? Do we really want them? Or is us claiming we want them just ingrained in us . . . an attempt to fit into social mores?

I will use the tug of war I laughingly called my life the last six months to illustrate. For a good five months, I was stuck in between p.1 and p.2, unable to decide which way to go. It is this situation that spurred Mallory's repeated requests into what I really wanted from the whole thing. And as I said, sometimes I wasn't sure, sometimes I was. Of course, with the amount of seesawing I did during the first two or so months, I am now sure I didn't know who the hell I wanted. And that's because I wanted it all. I realize this is inherently selfish, but there was nothing I could do about it--I wanted what I wanted. And do you know how I was sure I wanted it? I went after it. I made no attempts to stop the tug from either side. Sure, I felt bad about it later--contrary to popular belief I do have a conscience. But that didn't stop me from making the same "mistakes" over and over again. That's because they weren't mistakes. I was doing what I was doing deliberately so I could have my cake and eat it too.

Around month three I realized that I was growing closer to p.2. I enjoyed p.2's presence more. p.2 gave me a sense of comfort and quiet in the chaos that is my life. I proudly went up to Mallory and said, "Yes, I'm sure now, I want p.2." And I really believed it. I believed I wanted to be with p.2 and only p.2. Sure enough, p.1 slowly faded into the background. I started telling myself I'd give it all up--the games, the intrigue, the front--for p.2. I wanted love or something like it.

And then I screwed up again and it showed me that at that time I really didn't want p.2. I still wanted it all. At first I tried to blame it on stupid Scruff's karaoke and $2 beers and on p.1 having this inherent need for my attention once it was directed at someone else. But no. What I didn't realize at the time was that I didn't need to blame it on everything--it was simply a manifestation of my want come to fruition. Yes, I liked p.2. But I didn't want just p.2. I still wanted it all.

This is where I should interject--how was I so ignorant of what I truly wanted? I thought about this and this is my answer. I let social pressures and a sense of duty nudge me into thinking I really wanted just p.2. Everyone was asking me what my decision was daily. Even my ex was telling me to make a decision. Besides that, things were approaching an unspoken exclusivity between me and p.2--at least on my side. And if things were that way, shouldn't I have wanted p.2 and p.2 only? Isn't it a good thing to be unselfish and want just one thing, one person? All this pressure, all the expectations worked so subtle a trick on me I was SURE that p.2 was the end all be all and was what I really wanted. Of course, that p.1 bomb made me take another look.

How much throughout our lives do we go around thinking we want one thing when we really want another? How often have we let our consciences beat us up just because we thought we went against our actual desires? These are much scarier and larger questions than you would initially think they were.

Did realizing that p.2 might not be what I really wanted stop me from following the path that I had been led to? No! Instead, I selfishly told p.2 that I only wanted to be with him (even though I am sure now I didn't at the time) and held it against him when he doubted my sincerity. And when my inability to figure out just exactly what I wanted caused strain between p.2 and myself, I went and screwed things up some more. I remember sitting in my loft one day lazily in my bean bag chair and cursing myself for my decisions.

"Why did you screw a good thing up, Lo?"

Well besides the obvious (It WASN'T a good thing; looking back it was extremely screwed up), there's the simple truth:  I didn't want the thing with p.2, which is why I continued to sabotage it. And you know, the funny thing is, I didn't get all this until recently. As early as late May, I was having a conversation with p.1 in which I told him how into p.2 I was and how things had gotten so messed up, all the while doing things that indicated that deep down, p.2 was not what I really wanted.

What finally made me realize all this, what you want versus what you think you want, was an incident a couple of weeks ago. I had an opportunity to continue my "I want it all" behavior. And I shut it down. Instead I went home and for some reason had a strange longing for p.2. And this pattern has repeated itself since then. Ask any of my better friends. They can attest to my unusual lameness. That's when it hit me. Now I truly did want p.2. My behavior finally was that of one who truly wants something. Of course, the tragedy is that it is far too late to undo the damage my indecisiveness has already created between us. But at least I now know that before I claim I want something I should really take a look at my behavior to see if deep down, I really really want it.

This could also lead me into an obvious tirade about how what I want is not necessarily what I need, but that can be saved for another day. The heart, the mind, the body--they want what they want.

Of course, I've started to realize this stark difference--what people think they want versus what their behavior actually shows they want--a lot lately.

"I want to be anywhere other than Waco." Really? Then stay the hell out. You are here an awful lot.
"I want to be treated like an adult." Really? Then act like one.
"I don't want to work for the man." Really? Then don't take a big firm job that is the equivalent of a legal vampire.
"I don't want to be single." Really? Then stop hitting on douche-bag male whores and give the nice guys that actually do like you a chance.
"I really want to make this relationship work." Really? Then stop getting drunk and going home with other people.
"I want to be taken seriously." Really? Then stop dressing like a floozy and going for the cheap laughs.

It's disturbing how ingrained it is in us to expound at length about how we want things and then in the end, we probably don't really want them. And we make ourselves feel bad about it! How messed up is that?

So how do you know what you really want? Want someone else really wants? Look to their or your behavior. I can't tell you how annoyed I was in undergrad when I'd have to hear girls whine at length about how they did or said something when they were drunk that they regret or that they'd never want to actually do. No. You did it when you were drunk because your social inhibitions were lowered. You wanted to do it or say it deep down all along. It's kind of the same thing in this case. When you're saying one thing and doing another, there's a reason for the obvious disconnect. If you really want something, you're going to act like it. No lectures on how hard it is to change as a person or how hard it is to conquer your base nature and instincts. No. I had to quit making excuses for myself and you should too. If you want something, your behavior will indicate it. If you're not sure what you want--be it a person, a thing, recognition, etc.--your behavior will show you the way.

I'm not saying to go out there and just let it be a free for all; let hedonism take over the day. I'm just saying that sometimes our behavior indicates we actually have no clue about what we really want, even if we keep screaming the contrary. Just ask p.2. I'm not actually sure if he knew that he got this instinctively before I did, but even if he didn't, he's a lot more intuitive and smarter than I tend to give him credit for.

Well, where does that leave me? Longing for p.2 (which I know is fruitless) and working towards something real and concrete .  . . with someone else. How can I be sure? Because my behavior tells me so.

Fakey Fake

More and more, I find that we are all hiding behind masks, in so many different ways. I do it. You do it. We all do it. Masks help us get through every day life.

I'm not saying masks are always bad. For example, the other day a friend asked me a question that I really did NOT want to answer. You know, it was one of those questions where if you answer honestly or give your real opinion, feelings would get hurt or all hell would break loose. I actually try to use this one sparingly, because obviously it's not genuine. Here is a couple of examples where it has saved me:

Friend: How do these jeans look? They were almost $200! (They are a hideous shade of highlighter yellow.)
Me: Wow, those are really cool.
Real me: Why would you spend $200 on that fashion atrocity? I would pay $200 NOT to wear those.

Friend: Isn't my fiance the greatest?! I think he will make a great husband--I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him!
Me: Congratulations on the engagement, you all are such a great couple!
Real me: Congratulations--your fiance is a womanizing loser who has you brain washed into thinking you'll never do better. I give the marriage five years, max.

I think these are mostly necessary because society has engraved these social norms of politeness and created a fear in us for anything that is harsh or ugly. Especially when it's the truth.

But the masks that have been giving me more trouble lately are the masks that I notice people use to hide who they really are. I've seen so many examples over the years, but recently, I find myself growing more concerned and paranoid--do I really know those around me? Do I know them or the mask?

I have an acquaintance who uses a mask I saw growing up around politicians and prominent members of the community. I call this the politician mask. They are generally liked by most people and are personable in a group. They are the type of people you ask to be your plus ones in social situations because they are generally fun and get along with everyone. They are the type of people you want to be around when you are surrounded by strangers. The reason they are so personable is because they erase away the things that make them genuine or unique. They conform to social norms and tell everyone what they want to hear. I found it's hard to ever know who these people truly are--they are so many different people, with everyone they are someone else. I've always thought these people were exceedingly dangerous to keep around--I'm the kind of girl who likes to know where she stands.

There are those who use masks to cover up who they really are to fit in with certain groups of friends. In the past, I used to hang out with a lot people who acted a lot badder than they actually were. I'm not sure if it was built into the culture of the places I grew up or the university I went to, but I noticed that my initial perception of these people was a lot worse than what was lurking behind the mask. When I was in college I met a guy who seemed to be the epitome of a bad guy. He seemed like a womanizer, was vulgar, seemed to not care much for his frat brothers or his friend. But, eventually, I got to know him and began to see the glimmers of goodness from behind the cracks in the mask. In reality, the guy was one of the most loyal and protective friends I have ever had. He just pretended he was a bad ass to fit in better with his surroundings.

However, more and more, the older I get, I am starting to notice the masks that people are presenting to cover up the darkness that lies beneath. One of the harder revelations that has hit me this year is the insane depravity of human nature. The things people do to one another--the things I have done to other people, the things others have done to me--make me sick to my stomach sometimes. And it just seems to be becoming more and more common place--this utter disregard for others. But I digress. Maybe it's that we're all supposed to be professional or more publicly conservative in our older age. Maybe it's that we're supposed to keep up this pristine appearance that is impossible. People are hiding the darkness in them behind these facades. Guys and girls are undermining their best friends. People are throwing each other under the bus to get ahead. People blaming others for their flaws and mistakes in an attempt to shift the blame away from themselves.

Maybe I'm just emotionally drained. Maybe I'm just tired of it all. But I have an urge to rip the masks away--even the ones that I am wearing.

My Twilight Tirade

So Fayola and I had a girls' night the other night. And by girls' night I mean that we got Chipotle, talked shit, and made plans to watch hot boys run around shirtless. Enter Twilight's New Moon.

While watching the movie, we realized some things were fundamentally wrong with the Twilight universe.

[enter resounding "DUH"s here]

I know, I may be the slowest person ever. But this is sort of an epiphany because I admit it . . . I'm a die hard Twilight fan.

How die hard?

I was planning on going to ComicCon to see the New Moon panel. I have been to the midnight showing of every movie. I have read the books multiple times. I have owned several Twilight posters. I do Twilight puzzles. I buy the special edition People magazines. I've had dreams about several of the Twilight characters. I have Twilight shirts, jewelry. A friend bought me Twilight candy for Valentine's Day. I have an Edward blanket.

I understand how resoundingly uncool all this makes me. I'm fine with it. Moving on . . .

So, here are a few things that Fayola and I noticed . . . .

1. How freaking stupid is Bella? I mean, the girl has no common sense and is in, Fayola's words, "Always causing problems." Does something look dangerous? Deadly? Hell, Bella is drawn to it then. In real life, these people end up being talked about as massive fails on the internet instead of being loved by two guys who are irrationally more attractive than her. Which brings me to my next point . . .

2. Why is this awkward not attractive girl with these guys? I'm going to exclude book Bella out of this, because she is not nearly as annoying as the Kristen Stewart version. Did a retard decide to cast her? She sucks! She's not pretty! She always looks like she smelled something bad! She can't act! Her huge ass ears are distracting me.

3. Bella needs to be institutionalized. Especially after her behavior in New Moon. I mean, screaming in the night for months on end? Acting like a zombie? Someone stick that girl in a nut house. I mean, yes, she's "so in love" or whatever, but seriously, get over it. Move on. Or don't, but at least do something more than sit in a chair infront of a window. And where the hell was her father in all this? He should have called the crazy house to come get her months ago.

4. Why do the vampires sparkle? I didn't really understand this even in the books. I mean, I like that they can be seen in mirrors and all, I'm just really wondering what kind of peyote Stephanie Meyers was smoking that she thought this was a dandy idea. The only thing that should sparkle and be cold and hard are diamonds.

5. The sexual tension in these movies is ridiculous. I sat through three hours of movie and Jacob and Bella don't even kiss? Not even when he's in her bedroom, half dressed, ridiculously good looking and super close to her. Please. These kids live in backwater Washington. There's nothing better to do than have teenage shenanigans there. In real life, Bella would be on her way to being a regular Bristol Palin.

I'm sure there's way more, but that's all I got for now.

I'm really kind of upset that the movies have left me hoping the whole movie that some monster will turn on Bella and eat her just so I don't have to see any more paparazzi pictures of an unshowered Kristen Stewart or her stupid faces that make no sense in the context of a scene.

My rant is done. I am now a tad disillusioned.

My A is better than yours.

So, our law school is supposed to be one with the most competitive students in the nation. I heard this our first year here. I didn't really believe it. Most of the time I spent with my class was social. Instead of studying, we were hanging out in bars, or having marathons watching The Tudors or Supernatural, or at Lake Belton. There was never this sense of "I need to do better at the expense of this other person." We shared outlines, we shared cases. Everyone seemed pretty willing to help everyone out. Of course, there were a couple of outliers, but most people were decent human beings to one another. At least, as decent as you could be in law school.

Then this year there was a fundamental change. I'm not sure what to blame it on. Sure, there's this new hugely competitive class. But a lot of the more laid back old people left. I was suddenly not in classes with only my entering class, but was exposed to every other class in the law school. Also, a bunch of my really good friends were in the really competitive new class. But the competitiveness even flowed into my class. People were being crazy with their outlines. Every where there was a sense of panic.

In other words, the shit has hit the fan.

And maybe I'm stupid for thinking I could go to a professional school, especially one of the most competitive in the nation, that would allow me to blissfully maintain my "We can all succeed, yea for us!" attitude. I've never been very competitive, least of all in school. It's always come easily to me and I always was a fan of balancing fun and school, which usually put me in the slightly above mediocre range.

But the things I have seen lately make me sometimes wonder if I made the right choice in putting myself in such an environment. A couple of my friends and I have been discussing this and these are the problems we see.

Jealousy among the A's
In my opinion, if you get an A in law school, you should just be happy. And by just be happy, I mean shut the hell up. You are no longer allowed to complain "I can't believe this person got an A." Tough. They did. Just like you. Nor are you allowed to complain about how little they worked compared to you. You know what? Rule 13--life's tough. Some people don't have to work as hard to do as well. You should know this by now. Embrace it. Accept it. Worry about yourself and stop worrying about everyone else.

Fluke High A's
I have noticed that some of the people at the top of the class tend to let others who randomly do well or really get a class throw them off. "How the hell did SHE end up with a High A?" As a person who has had that sneered my way (just loud enough for me to hear), let me tell you--it is the only one I will ever get. I just got that class. Don't be upset with me for one little elective when you are raking in over $1200 a week at your big firm internship. You know what I'm doing this summer? Holding down two jobs and going to school. You will be out of debt faster than me. You will probably make partner faster than me. So stop allowing another person's shining moment to piss you off. No one wants to hear you complain when you practically have a desk with a name plaque waiting for you after graduation.

Allowing School to Define Your Life
Everyone knows one of these people. They have no concept of a balance in their lives. School rules everything in their universe. If they can't make it there, their lives are over. Honestly, I think this kind of mindset is a bunch of crap. We all know examples of people who have graduated with ridiculous GPAs and high honors and blah blah blah and their lives are freaking miserable. They hate their jobs, they don't have a social life, they're a slave to a man, the people they work with are too competitive to make real friends. I've known from day one that I wasn't going to allow law school to define my life. I'm not saying that it's not an important part of it--it is, and I am very happy with how I am doing (mostly because I have realistic expectations of myself). But I've always put more emphasis on human connection and the arts and really enjoying your life--my best memories aren't just breaking at regionals. They are moments spent on Lake Belton, wind whipping through my hair with great friends. Or painful mornings spent at Health Camp with my best friends recounting the night before. And I guess I'm really glad I have this balance because I see some people who let competitiveness infiltrate their friendships and poison them. And honestly, I don't think that someone doing better than you or having to do better than someone at something that really doesn't mean you're going to be a great lawyer is worth destroying a human relationship over. I'm not saying you can't want to do well--everyone wants to do well. But you don't have to be bitter when others do just as well or better than you. That's all.

So everyone, chill out. Take a breath. Take a second to re-evaluate your life. I jokingly told Michael Roberts once that the way I maintained my balance in school was I asked myself, "If I dropped dead tomorrow would I be pissed I spent this much time at the library?" It's actually a great way to live. Would I be pissed I spent so much time upset that douche next to me in class got the same grade as me? Think about that the next time you start to feel that competitive douche bag infiltrate your inner being.

Also, I wonder if our competitiveness would decline if the school funneled some funds into some onsite yoga? Just a thought.