A Tale of Two Men

Two men. Several life lessons.

I know a boy, we'll call him p.3 . . . he is not friends with p.1 or p.2, I am simply calling him this for convenience. p.3 did something so horrible . . . I cannot even put it into words. I wouldn't. I am ashamed by the horribleness. But skipping over the gory details of the incident, let's just say that this horrible thing he did (cheating) I was somehow peripherally involved in. And these are my observations about it.

p.3 goes to school with me and my friends. This usually is enough to let you question a person's morality. I'm not saying all lawyers are immoral or more prone to revel in moral gray areas, I'm just saying that any time you get a bunch of super intelligent people together, there are bound to be more than a few that use their superior mental prowess for evil means. And it's such at our school. The amount of cheaters I have encountered there has now overwhelmed the number I knew hanging out with frat guys in college.

That aside, the openess with which cheating occurs in our school environment amazes me. Guys who publicly have girlfriends and fiances act like no one knows. Granted, these guys are usually super attractive and openly jerks--so their behavior comes as no surpise to most of us. In fact, we've come to expect it. In most of these cases, it also seems the other person's half is away--usually at another school or working a real job somewhere that isn't Central Texas. These things tend to follow a pattern. [Also, whoever said absence makes the heart grow fonder, was supremely delusional or has never met these people.]

Luckily, I haven't called any of these people super close friends. I've always watched them from a distance with a kind of disgusted awe. I've never really had much sympathy for cheaters. I was cheated on, repeatedly, and it's bittered me up. I've only cheated once in my life. I felt like crap for months afterwards. Most people find this all very hilarious, since it looks (as of now) like I will end up being a divorce attorney. Call me weird, but I think championing the destruction of trust bonds is tacky, even for a person who will inevitably make their money off philanderers.

I'm not saying I don't understand cheating. I do. Temptation is a pretty powerful force. And as a person who operated under the mantra, "I want what I want and I want it now," for most of my life I understand the drive to just seize what you crave. But relationships are different, or at least they are in my eyes. When you promise yourself to another person . . . well, I just think there's some sacredness to all that. Maybe that's the naive view, but I'd rather be naive than be a jerk.

p.3 is none of the things I've listed above. He's not super attractive. He's not openly a jerk . . . in fact, he's hardly around. At all. He has no relevance on our social scene. But in the few interactions I've had with him one thing is clear: p.3 is a cheater. And one that does so without any remorse.

Am I saying that I dispise cheaters less if they have remorse? Yes. I know that may seem irrational or whatever, but people are human. They make mistakes. However, normal people regret those mistakes. They try to learn from them and grow from them. When someone has no remorse for doing something that is so blatantly wrong . . . it really gets to me. I guess I just feel that if you're going to be a bad person, you should at least FEEL bad.

I know, I said this was a tale of two men, but I'm going to bring p.1 into the story now. And I am going to use p.1 for something I never thought I would ever use him for--a measure of moral integrity. In order to understand why this is so amazing--p.1 being a prime example of a decent, upstanding partner--you have to have a little background. p.1 was the most commitment phobic philanderer I have ever met. If it was female, he chased it. We used to be able to rely on him as a constant source of amusement in bars, mostly because he was one of the few people who made their mistakes in public . . . repeatedly. However, it should be noted that p.1 never dated anyone during this time period (see commitment phobia above). So he's not a cheater. But he did kind of like to play in the morally gray areas.

That was then. This summer p.1 met a girl he wanted to settle down with. The road to settled down wasn't easy for him, but eventually he made it. Of course, now it's time to go back to school and away from the girlfriend. p.1 is a good looking guy with a killer personality, southern charm that puts you at ease, and piercing eyes. To say that females tend to pay attention to him would be an understatement. And the females that are back--they've noticed him. But, to my delight and to some's surprise, he is remaining faithful. And to see such a feat come from him . . . well, it's pretty awesome. It also shows me anyone can do it. It also makes me despise p.3 more.

I just told p.1 he was my example of moral integrity and he laughed. His sense of humor is one of my favorite things about him.

I promised tales about two men. This one is the second.

I have written about p.2 before, mostly because he is an integral part of the last year or so of my life. This is mostly because: 1) he is the one person in the last year I've actually had feelings for, 2) he can be an unfeeling jerk and I am a masochist, 3) he is best friends with all of my best friends, and 4) our school is tiny and you are guaranteed to run into everyone on a regular and steady basis.

Trust me, if at this time last year (when I first met him) you would have told me that it would be so, I would have laughed at you. I was under the misimpression that p.2 was someone vastly different from who he really is and wanted nothing to do with him. He was just some stupid underclassman that served no purpose other than to irritate me. He was also a vastly different person than he is now--but that's a different story.

Needless to say, anything that p.2 and I had going on has now gone the way of the dinosaur. And I'm actually kind of okay with that. We are like oil and water. We don't mix. We both like to always be right. We both like to take jabs if we can. It is a recipe for disaster. Hell, it was a disaster. And I spent my summer working on moving past the horrific after effects of our sickeningly disturbing connection or thing or whatever.

p.2 also has the problem of saying really, really awful things. Honestly, he is probably the closest version to a boy airhead I've ever known (though he is ridiculously intelligent), so I really don't think he stops to think about how most things he says are going to sound. Of course, I have been on the receiving end of a couple of verbal spears and tend to tell myself this in order to resist the urge to strangle him. But he is a shrewd boy, and I am now aware he can do it purposely: for entertainment value (mostly) or to make points (occassionally). But, considering how things have been between us---calm and almost acquaintance like (we were never really friendly)--I thought he would at least have the forsight to have some tact.

Tact does not include asking me if other girls are single.

I will not elaborate on the situation, mostly because it is horrid and I still am pissed and will likely say something I regret, but it is NEVER EVER appropriate to ask anyone you had some kind of connection with about another person of the same sex. Especially if they know them. And person inquired about goes to school with them. How p.2 could possibly think this is okay is beyond me. Although things have been fine between us lately, our time together was rife with tension and anger (mostly on my part). And we were never, ever friends.

I will not delve into p.2's motivations for doing this--theories abound from our friends. Some likely, some highly unlikely. I am trying not to choose one because I likely will try to give him the benefit of the doubt because I am an idiot when it comes to him. Either way, it was . . . tactless. Best word I can think of.

But I suppose, at least he's not a cheater.

Once again, I'm going to throw p.1 in to the mix. He is no longer going to be used as a measure of moral integrity. He's going to be used as an example because he could have done the same thing and I wouldn't have been pissed.

Irrational? Maybe. But there have always been key and distinct differences between my situation with p.1 and p.2. The biggest difference is that p.1 and I are friends. We were before, we will be probably always--we've been through some crazy stuff and have come out of it being better friends. We talk about boyfriends, girlfriends, people at school. We have things in common, we have a bond that is healthy. The other huge difference is that I never cared for p.1 the way I did for p.2. And when you don't care about someone, it's not hard to watch them move on. When you care about someone, it leaves a mark on you, irrational as your emotions toward them might be. The scars are sensitive for a long time. Maybe forever.

Do I think p.2 will bother me forever? No. In the long run, I know the whole incident with him is just a blip on the radar screen. But the one person I have truly loved in my life cut me deep--and three years later, that scar still smarts. Even the lesser ones do. But maybe that's just me needing to take a lesson on letting go or something.

Hey, I'm not perfect either.

But three months after the fact . . . . that's a little bit . . . crappy. The wound is still raw.

So what have I learned?

That boys at law school cannnot be trusted? No. I'm not going to say that because that would be overly broad and ring strongly of bitterness. And more over, it's not true. I know lots of decent guys. I know even more semi-decent guys. And the question posed is not the message I'm trying to send.

Are there bad apples? Yes. Just like there are anywhere. I am reluctant to catagorize p.2 as one. I still believe there's a decent guy there. We just . . . don't mesh well.

Mostly, I guess my point is that we are all douchey and mean and thoughtless sometimes. We tend to forget how the choices we make effect others. I'm guilty of it too. I guess I'm just advocating a little more kindness, especially given the pressure cooker environment that is law school. Things are bad enough without us playing free and fast with one another's feelings.

The epic New Orleans story will be posted in a day or so. Keep watch for that. It will be infinitely less thought provoking and way more fun than this post.